I have been somewhat thrown off kilter by some recent, and some not-so-recent, but lingering situations that have significantly degraded my ability to be trusting of people. I have always had the philosophy that it's best to stay open to people and let them deal with the consequences of whatever they might do to betray that openness. However, whether it's through random dumb luck, or something I'm unconsciously doing when I make choices about who to be open with and who to let into my life, I seem to have encountered an unusual amount of unreliable people over the past few years. This is not some woe is me post, although I have had moments, days, weeks of "woe-is-me-ness" about this whole thing. I'm well aware that even under the worst of betrayals, the amount of fortune and goodness and goodwill in my life vastly outweighs the bad. But it's just inconvenient. Annoyingly so. It's inconvenient that the sketchy housemate who I took in and was lenient with took off one day owing me a decent chunk of money. It's inconvenient that my current housemate, though he is a good-hearted, good-natured sort, does not seem to understand that I asked him to fix the gate because I cannot, and because the gate is necessary for the well-being of the dog, and that taking the gate off of its hinges and NOT repairing it for over 2 months, forcing us to walk the dog in the backyard 3-4 times a day makes my life inordinately more stressful than it ought to be. And it's especially inconvenient that a person I trusted probably more than I've trusted most other people in my life decided to majorly flake on me in a financial way that is causing me to have to be extra super guarded about my finances, which makes me unable, at this time, to pay for someone ELSE to fix the gate. You see what I mean. Things add up, and snowball, and I feel buried. And irritated. All of these are small things, none of them are catastrophic. And even all together, they are not really any big deal. However, when added to my long-term trust issues...and coupled with a busy schedule, a new(ish) job, and other ongoing challenges with various challenging people in my life...sometimes it's difficult not to get buried in negativity and cynicism. That's all I'm saying really. I'm desperately trying to avoid being buried in negativity and cynicism. So I needed a day like Friday. I needed a day in which I was not responsible for any other children except my own (which is a phenomenon that I had to guiltily request from the person whose child I have watched every Friday for about the past 3 years or so, and who has been extremely helpful in watching my children during that time.) So, CHECK. I needed a day with perfect weather in which I wasn't debilitated by allergies. CHECK. I needed to get out of the house and out from under my little black cloud and into the sunshine. CHECK. And all of those ingredients added up to make a perfect day. Sure, Monk complained bitterly about having to be outside and playing and *gasp* maybe even EXERCISING. Yes, he actually FAKED AN INJURY and then TRIED TO GUILT TRIP ME when I didn't believe that he was injured (I finally gave in and said "fine...I'm sorry I didn't believe you...if you are really so injured that you can't even walk, let's go to the emergency room." Which caused him to instantly cop to his fake. sigh.) But when all was said and done, and we finally all settled into being out on the creek front, the boys took to creating an elaborate system of complex societies, and I set about meditating on the issues at hand, attempting to dissuade myself from misery. The most important factor of the day, I think, was the prework. The night before, I had been able to process the events with someone who was not judgmental or overly-needing-to-fix-things (a quality that is way underrated, as far as I'm concerned) and I came to the conclusion that all of these disconnected events were, in fact, not specific to me, but rather random things that all converged, unfortunately, within the same timespan. Given that, it was easier for me to face that, yes, I did have a reason to feel somewhat cynical. And perhaps that cynicism could be instructive and constructive rather than destructive. It's funny how so much of life is about breathing in and breathing out. Taking in, and putting out. Experiencing, and processing. The problem with getting older is that you not only end up experiencing more beauty and pleasure, just by virtue of being alive, but you also experience more ugliness and grief...all the more because the older you get, the less mobility you have to avoid such things. And it's funny, because today I am reading _How We Decide_ by Jonah Lehrer...and there's a lot in that book about how the human brain works when it comes to making decisions. There's a quote about loss aversion, and how most people need to hear 5 positive comments to outweight 1 criticism. And I'm thinking perhaps this is why I am drawn to counting blessings in fives. For me, though, it was enough to have one day of bliss. One day of perfect sunshine that wasn't too hot, and a sky the exact right shade of blue against the outline of richly green trees. One day of boys being boys without being obnoxious. When it was almost time for us to leave the park, I noticed there was an older man sitting on the creek bed near where my children were playing. Immediately my creep-meter went off...but upon looking closer at this man, I realized he was familiar to me, and in fact he was. He was an old client of mine, one of my favorites. He had come to us as a retiree who needed to return to the workforce, and he needed computer skills in order to do so, and he stuck with us through most, if not all, of our 8 weeks of basic and fundamental classes. Then he disappeared, as all of our clients do, and I hadn't seen or heard from him in a couple of years. So, we talked while the children explained their worlds to us, he told me what had happened in his world since I had last seen him. He told me I had changed his life. That he used the skills we had taught him, went to school, found a job...but then lost it when the economy crashed. Still, through it all he maintained that he would be a completely different person had he not taken our computer classes. And he meant that in a good way. I'm sure he had no idea how much I needed to hear that just that day. It was my fifth positive thing that tipped the scales on one negative. How wonderful it is that all of these tiny deposits I put into the people that I serve during my work day come back to me when I least expect them, like giant human windfalls of hope, just when I feel like I've gone broke...
We have recently started our autumn quarter around here, and I thought it would be an interesting little historical tidbit for me to list the resources we are using for school this quarter. Monk, if he was in public school, would be in 6th or 7th grade, and cole would be in 2nd or 3rd grade. On a typical day, we read together as a family for about an hour or two. Cole has gymnastics once a week, and goes to an after school arts program on some days of the week. Monk, for now, does not have any outside activities, except for the mother's helper work he does for a couple of people. I'm hoping to get him back into fencing in the near future, and he's going to be participating in a multimedia class in about a month or so. The rest of their time is spent playing (mostly video games, although they have wild bursts of playing with legos or blocks, and sometimes coley invents elaborate games using yu-gi-oh and pokemon cards), reading, and doing chores and "homework" assignments that I plan on a quarterly, monthly, and weekly basis. Most of our morning reading sessions include a non-fiction book, usually from our history focus, and a fiction book that we alternate choosing. Right now, we're reading Monk's choice, which is the last book in the Pendragon series (which I HATE! But I have dutifully read them all!) I get to choose the next book, and I'm thinking it might be Watership Down, but it might be fun to read the Odyssey or the Iliad, since we are reading about Ancient Greece for social studies. I don't think those will be as fun for me to read, though...unless I REALLY get into it and research pronunciation and whatnot in advance, but wth? It's not like I get paid for this crap! hahaha. I don't think the appreciation they would have would be a good return on investment for the time I would spend preparing, is all I'm saying. At any rate, both boys do math exercises every day. Monk is studying some algebraic concepts and cole is working on multiplication, division, and just general 3rd grade type math. Both of them use Singapore Math curriculum, and I just let them do exercises and figure things out on their own until they get stuck and need my help. At which point, Monk usually throws his arms up every five seconds and tells me I'm EXPLAINING IT ALL WRONG. And that he DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING I AM SAYING AT ALL! Which is pretty much what *I* always wished I could say out loud to my math teachers, but instead I just internalized it and struggled for hours with it by myself, occasionally resorting to book throwingness, but never getting any grades lower than A's or B's, because I was a perfectionist, just like Monk. Cole's a little easier to coach, but it's tougher to get him to do the work. And, while I do embrace the concepts of unschooling, in practice it's just not feasible for me. I have an elder son who insists upon rules and structure, and a younger son who is too erratic to make these kinds of decisions for the entire household... ...on a side note, I often think about a lot of child-led families I know...and my aspirations to be fully child-led in my household. I, for myself, found that it didn't work. First of all, when I got divorced, it cut way down on the leisure of choice and the choice of leisure, you know? I'm a busy person working a full-time job and trying to maintain and juggle the schedule and needs of 3 people and a dog while maintaining a modicum of sanity. It became apparent to me very early on in this phase of my life that I just don't have the time and constitution to acquiesce to the demanded desires of both of my children any time they are delivered to me, in addition to the more subtle but still equally demanding demands of the various other people who have or think they have or in any way exert or attempt to exert control over my life. So, no. This is a socialist household, to some extent, in that we each are required to give to the level of our ability, and we each are in return given to the level of our need, but it is also a dictatorship because, hey, you know what I've figured out? Being the oldest person living here means I have the most experience, and GENERALLY SPEAKING (although not always) I am better equipped to make decisions that will lend to the general well-being to all of us in a fairly predictable manner. End of sidenote. Both boys also do grammar and vocabulary every day...on alternating days, generally. With Cole, I am much more explicit with what he's expected to do on any given day, so I assign lessons from each book on alternating days. With Monk, I am trying to get him to do his own planning, so I give him the lump sum of what he needs to get done throughout the week, and I kind of let him plan when/how he's going to do it. At this point, I still need to stay on him and make him verbalize his plan throughout the week, which I HATE doing. I hate riding peoples' asses. It's my least favorite part of parenting or job-having...but Monk, especially, seems to really DEMAND that almost. He tests me a lot to make sure I am paying attention to what he thinks he is getting away with. Hahaha. Cole's Vocab and Grammar books are kind of just generic workbooks for his level I bought on Amazon.com. They aren't anything special. Monk's doing SAT vocabulary, and I'm having him read and work on the activities from Painless Grammar . It seems like it's not only a great grammar resource, but also a great book about writing and communicating clearly and concisely. About once a month or so, I have each of them read a "book report book," and do some sort of report on it. This is always hit or miss with them, and to be honest, at least with Coley, he usually tells me all about the books he is reading. So if the learning objective of a book report is for the teacher to know that a kid is comprehending what he's reading...I already feel very confident of that with Cole. And pretty much anyone who knows Monk knows he comprehends things VERY well, so I'm not terribly worried about him (but don't tell him I said that, because I still think it's important for him to work and stretch on occasion to communicate his understanding in written words. I'm sure the same will be true of Cole as he gets older and more able to understand beyond the story itself. Speaking of which, I did try something with Monk this quarter that failed. I have this really great resource called Rethinking Mathematics. There's this great organization called Rethinking Schools that puts out all sorts of books and curriculum to help teachers bring issues of social justice into the classroom. I think Monk likes to think he's very well-evolved, but he has a ways to go, you know? So there are activities like teaching the concept of percentages and rations by doing an analysis of "driving while brown" and researching the percentage of black and brown people who are pulled over vs. the percentage of whites. I tried to assign this to Monk and he just got pissed off at me...and that was the second activity from that book that I tried to assign to him with similar results, so I'm thinking it's either he's not ready for that kind of analytical learning, or it's just not interesting for him to learn that way. He's never really been fond of roundabout methods of instruction. He's not an "activity" or "crafty" kid, and he never was one. I remember I had to quit trying to use Waldorf methods on him because he was unable to disconnect his brain, and he HATED modeling wax, crayons, and pretty much all of the crafts I tried to do. So, it's at least consistent, if disheartening that I can't forward my liberal agenda by forcing him to use my hippie curriculum. Don't judge! I'm just trying to counterbalance the pervasive right wing religious homeschoolers that are so prevalent! I'll probably try an activity from that curriculum again every quarter until we find something that speaks to him. We *were* doing Living Math for awhile, but I found it a bit disjointed for me. I'd love to just get a compiled book list from that curriculum and work it into our daily reading. I started to do that awhile ago, but never followed through. Living Math is basically a curriculum (I think it was even designed by a homeschooler) that emphasizes the history and philosophy of mathematics. It's a pretty neat curriculum, and I think I might have to go back and get resources from it to incorporate into our reading. For Science, Cole has started the "Diversity" unit of a Singapore Science curriculum called My Pals Are Here. Monk is reading the first book in the Story of Science series by Joy Hakim, and we're using a workbook developed by Johns Hopkins University. I love this science series, especially since we live in Texas, where they are still freaking arguing whether evolution belongs in the public school curriculum. At the beginning of the second lesson "Birthing a Universe" and "telling it like they though it was: Myths of creation" the author has chosen to juxtapose two quotes: "In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth." -Genesis, and "Some foolish men declare that a Creator made the world...Know that the world is uncreated, as time itself is, without beginning and end." - The Mahabharata. So, yeah...it's a cool series. We're on the first book, now. I'm actually also looking forward to reading her A History of US books, which are sort of like kid's versions of A People's History from what I gather. Although I think Zinn has also released a version of A People's History geared towards younger folks. I think Monk might be ready to read the regular version himself, but I don't want to foist it on him and make him hate it. Hmmmm...what else what else? Oh! I keep trying to get us started on the Monart method of teaching art, as I'm reading Drawing With Children...but it's difficult for me to plan for an hour of absolutely peaceful time like the method demands. I think it is something I am just going to have to work towards. I'm also wanting the three of us to learn Spanish together, probably using a combination of Rosetta Stone and some conversational Spanish classes with a co-worker of mine. I also have Monk making menu plans and grocery lists, and am intending to make him create a food cost spreadsheet so he can budget for our meals. This is slow going, because I don't have the patience to wait for him to find the meals, and he's uninspired to do this...AND it's one of my favorite chores, so I'm all too happy to take the menu planning off of his hands. :) I want to put up a badminton net in the backyard so we can all play badminton together as a PE unit. Other than that, we go on walks together. Cole and I, particularly, enjoy going on long walks while Monk is babysitting. Cole likes sketching and taking photos of things. I like hearing him babble on and on. Both boys are learning how to use technology tools. They both have email accounts, and Cole is just now learning how to chat. He exercised his new knowledge by hitting me up on gtalk the other day while I was working. This was our conversation:
I can't believe I actually just made that pun, but Oh Well. It's Out There. I Did It.
This week was a pisser. I am at a crossroads in my life, the likes of which have inspired many a random, sappy coming of age movie and, much as a beloved wise young man has reminded me, all stories are but one main plotline with varying settings and themes or characters, and all of them are merely archetypes of the truth, which we can always approximate, yet never fully articulate in words.
I'm getting away from myself. Running away with myself. Suffice to say C R O S S R O A D S. We'll leave it at that.
And at this crossroads, to over-explain my metaphor, I am prone to looking back at the lay of the land that led me here, and evaluate the vectors and trajectories of the misty outlines of the mountainous terrain of my future. And I am pausing. And I am hoping.
I am hoping I have done ok. And that I will continue to do OK. I am hoping I have laid a good foundation for my children to build on. I am hoping that I work hard promoting a cause I can really believe in, and actually be blessed to earn money doing it. I am hoping I can make wise choices and cultivate warm and trusting relationships with my friends, family, and co-workers. I am hoping I can show respect and kindness to people I don't know, regardless of their circumstances or approach. And I am hoping that at the end of the week, whether I have actually achieved these things or not, I will remind myself that I have done my best, and I will get out my bubbles...
...and let it all go.
(Thank you to Cecily...for reminding me. Thank you to Carmen, Angela, their beautiful children and my beautiful children...for being there.)
